Five Memories of Intimacy
by Arkylie Killingstad
Summary: The early-series cast reflect on key moments in their respective pasts, moments shared with family or friends. Some are heartwarming, others disturbing but transformative, some bittersweet due to the changes between then and now.


_**Content Warnings:** Past alcohol abuse, and how it affected a child. Past sexual assault (possibly rape - no details); attempted sexual assault (well, successful groping of a drunk woman) that gets stopped before it goes further. Shared grief over loss of loved ones. These are all memories (except for the attempted sexual assault) that the characters in the present bring to mind. The last piece is quite heartwarming, so it ends on an emotionally positive note._

* * *

With Joss's hands all covered in sticky dough, she can't get the hair out of her face; it's Taylor's hand that brushes it back behind her ear, before he goes to put the mac and cheese into the oven (the first time he's managed a holiday recipe entirely on his own).

Such a little thing, that tender brush of his fingers across her brow, yet it sends Joss back to her son's childhood, to the feel of a boar bristle brush clumsily working its way through her hair.

Had he been five, maybe? six? He'd been fascinated with her hair, so she'd let him fix her up however he cared to, putting up with the times he pulled at a snarl or jabbed her in the eye or brushed too hard over her sensitive ears. Even that occasional pain was worth it, given how relaxed the ritual made her, and how happy it made her son.

Nowadays, of course, Taylor is far too _mature_ to be bonding with his mom in such a girly fashion. But maybe, someday, he'll be brushing back the hair of his little girls, and, by that time, he'll no longer think it's beneath his dignity.

* * *

The bodega's crowded, but Lionel only needs two things: toilet paper and dinner. Feels like his boy deserves something a _little_ more nutritious than his usual fare.

At least when he passes the beer aisle, he doesn't even give it a second glance.

It took Reese getting his claws into him for Lionel to go completely sober, but there was this one night, long before meeting Reese, when Lionel had woken up to Lee cleaning puke off his face.

Caught up in self-loathing over his activities with HR, Lionel had forgotten Lee's weekend entirely, and drunk himself into a stupor. But his door had been unlocked and his uniform on the couch, and he'd managed to mumble out _something_ when his ex called his name, so she'd dumped Lee's backpack by the door and taken off.

And Lee, not even nine, had cleaned up his dad and roused him enough to get him to his actual bed.

Lionel didn't deserve a second chance, and couldn't make himself beg for one. But the visitations continued, because apparently Lee never mentioned it - to anyone.

Since then, Lee's weekends have been booze-free, and Lionel uses their time together to lift his spirits, instead.

* * *

Negotiating her way into a major event that she wasn't _technically_ invited to has become so routine to Zoe that it rarely brings to mind the first time, when she'd gotten her friend Nicole to swipe a couple bottles of rum from her dad's stash and used them to bribe their way into a frat party.

Tonight, though, she sees a guy on a sofa getting a little too handsy with a woman who's three sheets to the wind. That's enough.

Back then, she hadn't noticed Nicole's absence until after the damage had been done. Through scared tears, Zoe had called her mom and explained that they weren't at a sleepover and they needed to get to the hospital.

Tonight has a happier ending: Zoe gets the attention of a couple good friends from the police department, who have a little chat with the guy about the boundaries of consent. At Zoe's request, one of them stays with the drunk woman long enough for Zoe to complete her task, and then, since no concerned friends have shown up, Zoe takes it upon herself to get the poor gal safely home - swiping her wallet just long enough to get an address.

* * *

Taking a moment to enjoy the sunset over the harbor just brings to mind to one particular July, when they'd gotten all the way to camp before John noticed the hidden pain in his mother's face.

All summer long, he'd been focused on it: a week of bustling activities to keep his mind off his dad's birthday until after it was over. Last year's July had held more than enough tears.

But then, as his mom was helping him unpack, he'd realized that by going off to camp, he'd be leaving her to face her husband's birthday without anyone to share the pain.

He'd glanced out over the lake, and then put his stuff back in the car, and said, simply, "I'm not going." Stood firm against her protests until she drove him home.

The deposit had been non-refundable, but that hardly mattered. And his mom still had to work, and most of his friends were at camp, so John just rode his bike a lot, or stayed in his room.

They celebrated his dad's birthday by hiking up to Goat Lake and finding the spot where he'd proposed, and then John held her tight so she could come undone.

* * *

As Harold hunts through property listings, discarding a variety of unsuitable locations while trying to pick out the perfect place so that John can finally have a home again, he can't help but think of his mother, teaching him the secret to a perfect gift.

"It has to be _right_ ," she said. "You have to know the person very well, and keep track of the things he talks about, what he expresses interest in, so you can choose the right thing for him.

"And it has to be a _surprise_ ," she added. "The perfect gift is always a pleasurable surprise."

A week before Christmas, he'd been playing hide-and-seek with her, and found the presents in her closet.

"Remember," she'd told him, "the perfect gift is always a surprise. If Daddy finds out about it too early, then it won't be the perfect gift. Can you keep it secret, just for him?"

"I won't tell," he asserted, eyes wide; she picked him up and nuzzled him.

"Are you sure? Can you keep it secret all the way until Christmas?"

"I'm good at keeping secrets, Mommy," he said, snuggling in under her touch.

"I know you are, sweetie," she said. "I know."


End file.
